The unlikely rebel

This past week I received the best description of how I approach my work: “constructively rebellious.” (Makes me think of wearing a bright builder’s vest over a leather jacket. Check out that constructive rebel.)

I never set out to be a rebel. I strove to be a straight-A student, I was the textbook oldest sister getting everything done (and telling everyone how to do it, with apologies to my brother). And given my many privileges growing up, that worked pretty well for me as I finished my schooling and entered the professional world. 

Until I ran into a system that was not working for me. Figuring out my way forward made me the constructive rebel I am today. Everything I learned I’ve poured into this Career River framework, helping other professionals navigate a system that is generally not designed to support our individual success, but extract our value. 

Today I'd like to share what I learned about working within a system that isn't built to support you, so you can embrace your inner constructive rebel when it comes to charting your career. I learned these lessons, not in the workplace, but by building my family. Why was this such a challenge? Because when I got married, it was illegal.

It gets better: Staying true to yourself in a stacked system

I like to engage in what I call "cobra strike coming out" 🐍 – when I meet someone and there's a chance my personal life will be relevant to our interaction, as soon as there's an opportunity, I share that I am gay. Usually I seamlessly weave it into the conversation, along the lines of "Yes, and as my WIFE was telling me..." This saves time and awkwardness, so they don't wind up asking what my husband does and then we have to take a detour down Sorry I Assumed You Were Straight Lane. (Honestly the time-saving factor is highly relevant here, you would not believe how many times a month I come out.)

So hi, I'm Bridget, and my WIFE and I recently celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I'm not going to detail the many, many, many ways finding our way forward in the pre-Obergefell landscape for marriage equality in the U.S. was a challenge, though you can ask me sometime what it was like filing taxes. (Actually, don't. It was terrible and I never want to think about it again.) And I'm not going to get into how exactly we created our three amazing kids, although people feel surprisingly entitled to ask me for the details. (I am the bio mom but the kids all look like my wife, which feels a lot like someone else getting credit for your work. I'm clearly not at all bothered by this.) And yes, in moments like these it can feel like we're hanging on to the progress that's been made by our fingernails. But I know, down to my very core, that fighting to show up as your true self is always worthwhile.

I'd like to share these five lessons I've learned from finding my way forward through a system that was stacked against me, and how you can apply them to your career journey.

• Know who you are, and find the people and places that value what you offer. When I first came out to my friends in college, I delivered the news with a heaping of apologies for not being fully honest earlier. When one of my roommates said "No," after I got through the spiel, I was pretty surprised. "Well, I know I'm gay..." I started and she cut in, "I mean no, you don't need to say you're sorry!"

If you're in a situation where you feel the need to apologize or hide who you are, remember my roommate's reaction. You can focus on your unique value to find a better fit.

• People are going to be fine with you, will learn to be fine with you, or won't be fine with you. This is about them and not you. Again, I won't get into all the details, but I was decidedly not the person my father-in-law had in mind to marry his daughter. This is a conservative Catholic family and being gay was simply not acceptable. (His very first words to me were: "Are you a Republican?" My answer: "I'm a journalist.")
  
  I never let his perspective stop me from being me. I didn't try to fit in – either he would accept me, or not, but I wasn't going to change who I was to make it happen. This was never about me, and understanding that took a lot of sting out of those early, awkward interactions. And over the years, as I kept showing up at family gatherings, slowly but surely he warmed to me, and dare I say, respected me. There wasn't one big cathartic moment, but a series of small shifts over time. The biggest milestone came when my wife's uncle, a Catholic priest, sent out a family newsletter with the entire family tree. There I was with my wife, on the bottom right corner, our marriage line as solid as anyone else's.

It is tempting to contort yourself into fitting a job and gaining acceptance. It's also a surefire recipe for burnout. Showing up authentically is the best way to find the people and places that fit you best – and even an initial rejection could lead to new opportunities down the line. Things change!

• Systems are built and maintained by humans, which means other people can help point the way. Whether it was hiring a lawyer who specialized in helping LGBTQ+ families or talking with queer friends about how they were handling life, connecting with other people provided the fuel we needed to keep moving forward.

Networking doesn't have to be a soulless exercise in finding the right person to get you a job. Look for the tributaries who can contribute the insights that will get you where you're hoping to go, and pay it forward once you get there.

• Change takes time and collective effort. Our kids would tell you that my wife and I changed the marriage laws, making it sound like we single-handedly marched up marble stairs and slammed documents on a desk to be signed. The reality, of course, is more nuanced. We were part of a vast community of both LGBTQ+ people and allies, who showed up time and time again in ways both big and small to make change happen.

Even seemingly small advancements can make a major impact when people come together. Just like the Grand Canyon, as professionals we can shape the system over time if we keep pushing.

• When confronting a barrier, find a creative detour. Early on, our marriage wasn't built on a foundation so much as a patched-together mishmash of various legal protections that we hoped would be strong enough to hold. Your marriage doesn't count when buying a house? Become "joint tenants occupying jointly"! Your hospital leaves the birth certificate blank for the second parent? Go to court to get equal parental rights!

There are many possible ways to confront a career obstacle. When it comes to your career, whether it's submitting a job application even if you don't check all the boxes or viewing rejections as feedback, sometimes a "no" is really a "not yet."

Is all of this hard work? Yes. Is it worth it? Also yes. When we got the court ruling win, I sent in a voice memo to It's Been a Minute for their weekly segment on the best thing that happened this week.

"Because we had our son before gay marriage was legal here, (my wife's) name wasn't put on the birth certificate. And I'll never forget, he was screaming right after he was born, and as soon as he heard her voice he calmed right down, because he knew his mother from every day before. And now we have the legal recognition of that and it's just — it's such a joy to be recognized that way, and we're both just thrilled."

If you want to hear it in the show (I tear up and so do the host and guests), head to 39:18 here.

The working world does not always work for us. Look for the ways you can be constructively rebellious. Create a job posting that acknowledges the "dumpsterfire jugglebus" of caretaking. Pull out a set of Legos after you learn you're about to lose your job and home. Focus on what you can control when confronting racism, sexism, and other types of discrimination.

Stay true to you. You'll be glad you did.

Happy navigating,
Bridget

📝 Reader feedback: Thanks to subscriber Laura L., who pointed out another good thing about the shopping approach to job hunting after last week's post: "you can return something if it's not a good fit, whereas a competition you just lose." Well said!